— Aragorn
— Théoden King of Rohan.
Hello readers,
Any of you worth your salt will know where the title of the blog comes from, If you don’t know, read a history book, or google, googles easier.
The title of my blog will be explained later, but for now I wish to express my satisfaction that my phone has still not been topped up due to problems with my provider, although I am aware I have very few people to text, what am I supposed to do without my unlimited web? How can I survive in lessons without the Internet to distract me? What ghastly abomination conspires against me?
Anyway, as I promised earlier, the title of my blog will now be explained, the quintessentially British title, spoken by one of the finest statesmen to grace the earth is a nod towards the very British event soon to happen, Her Majesty the Queens diamond jubilee. In celebration of this lovely jubbly Britishness, I will give sixty reasons to enjoy being British. One for every year of her Majesty’s reign. Let us begin.
1) English. A language known all over the world, Holidays are a doddle (If in doubt can always raise your voice and speak slower)
2) Fish and Chips, oh aye.
3) The Queen’s reassuring smile.
4) Knowing how to not push in line.
5) Clinging on to the pound rather than the God awful Euro.
6) Shakespeare, if thou can understandth him.
7) Shaving armpits unlike those twenty two miles across the channel on the continent can’t.
8) Understanding that beer is not served Cold, that is larger, and all American “beer” is in fact larger.
9) The stiff upper lip!
10) Being world war champions, two nil to us (Sorry America, you have to be in from the start to win the prize)
11) Transforming our Empire relatively peacefully into the commonwealth.
12) Yorkshire puds
13) The BBC, lovely short adverts.
14) You are never more than five miles away from a pub, you will be hard pressed to not have a local.
15) 1966 world cup, I don’t think England will ever let that go.
16) Classic cars such as Mini Cooper.
17) The best music in the world is from Britian. Even record sales prove it, The Beatles. I’m looking at you. Nevermind Queen, Iron Maiden, The Who and a host of others.
18) Having a day off because a Royal got married, bless ‘em.
19) Having a guy have an apple fall on his head and “discovering” gravity. Everyone else would have thought “f*ck that hurt” Not Mr. Newton though.
20) The whole scone as in gone or scone as in cone argument.
21) Our modesty. No Englishman, Scotsman or Welshman really likes to big himself up and if he does, his mates think he’s a tosser.
22) Our rather mundane weather, God bless it and all it’s dampness.
23) Being ridiculously polite.
24) Saying “It’s fine” when in fact you are quite possibly dead.
25) The NHS, free health care, woooo.
26) English literature, I mean Dickens, H.G Wells, Byron, J.R.R Tolkien. We sort of know how to write a book, then torture the students studying it.
27) A cup of tea solves everything.
28) The ability to accept the worst. I mean even with literature as an example, the British fully accepted the Martians ass raping us in the War of the Worlds, but no, the American’s had to make a sequel where Thomas Edison lead men to mars to fight back. We are the only nation who love to be told the worst.
29) Big Ben the beautiful thing.
30) Football mad. Not soccer. Football.
31) We are not moaning because we are misreable, we are moaning as we love it.
32) Carry on movies. Ooooo matron.
33) Parlimentary Democracy
34) Magna Carta
35) Our wonderfully complicated Legal system.
36) The words “tally-ho”
37) “Nookie” means sex *giggle*
38) Prime Ministers question time, a chance to yell abuse at the whichever twit is in charge.
39) Hedgehogs, they’re just adorable.
40) Being a nation of animal lovers.
41) Being rather secular but loving Christmas.
42) The police don’t have guns, because most of us have an IQ over 20 and dn’t want to commit crimes require the police to have guns.
43) Classic British comedies such as only fools and horses.
44) The Duke of Edinburgh, he is hilarious.
45) Egg and Soldiers. Those brave dipping toast.
46) The nations unofficial favourite dish, a curry, that’s multiculturalism for ya.
47) Going red in the sun, like the good little Brits we are.
48) James Bond, oh the suave bastard.
49) Eggie bread! Genius!
50) Resisting Nazi Germany like a boss.
51) Being the only English speaking country that prolifically uses wanker as an insult, I mean they should all use it, It’s violent and rolls of the tongue. Try it now!
52) The countryside a rather British invention.
53) Rolling green hills, Land of hope and Glory indeed.
54) The union flag, what a beautiful flag. Not like the Japanese flag that’s just lazy.
55) Our Judges wear wigs, we make some of our brightest look stupid, in the name of humility.
56) The idea that technically the Queen could seize power if she wanted to, but she wouldn’t as she is lovely, and British and therefor sane.
57) Crimewatch and it’s marvelous none offensive language “get down you sponge” Oh the polite bleeders.
58) Walkers Crisps. Prawn cocktail my personal favourite-> Useless fact.
59) Inventing a huge load of sports, but doing terribly at most, if not all.
60) And finally, Sir Winston Churchill, the embodyment of Britishness, In contrast to Nazi Germany’s Hitler, Our Cigar Smoking, Drinking, Honest, Loud Mouthed, Rather Large Framed (in his later life) Light against Hitlers Vegeterian, Jumped Up, Crazy, Teetotal, Mental Bastard. He proved that everything that is good and proper will always triumph, well done sir, well done indeed.
I hope you liked the list, Enjoy your night.
Aufweidersehen.
P.S if you have a problem with my blog, Contact me on
Hello readers, the blog title is pretty much self explanatory and therefore I shall dive straight in…
1) Give away all none vital organs
2) Live in one room for the rest of my life.
3) Sit in a room with communists for a whole five minutes
4) Sleep with someone who wears socks in bed (savages)
5) Drink my own piss
6) Live in Africa
7) Be married to a goat.
8) Start every sentence with the word tattybojangles.
9) Gatecrash a wedding.
10) Gatecrash a funeral
11) Live in a elevator for a month
12) Walk into a EDL meeting dressed as a rabbi
13) Never play xbox again
14) Be injected with every known disease.
15) Have sex with a carrier bag
16) Grow my hair long (barbaric)
17) Attack an Al-queda base with nothing but a spoon
18) Engage in an act of oral sex with a fruit.
19) Fight a bear with nothing but a rolled up newspaper
20) Have my privates electrocuted.
21) Go swimming with sharks, without a cage and covered in blood.
22) Walk up behind a sleeping lion and flick it’s ear.
23) Take a shit on downing street.
24) Throw myself onto an electric fence
25) Kill all my loved ones and offer their souls to the Gods.
26) Spend the rest of my life pimp slapping anyone who comes within three foot of me
27) Walk around with a permanent wedgie
28) Call everyone CuntymcCuntington
29) Endure watching Loose women everyday *shudder*
30) Wholeheartedly insist that Socialism is a good idea (it’s not don’t listen to me)
31) Drool all the time so I look “challenged”
32) Become a crazy cat man and live with 60 cats, all called Keith
33) Change my name to Keith *shudder*
34) Live in a nudist colony… while taking Viagra every day.
35) Go on the news and report a story about purple men seizing Ugandan oil to sell to you at low, low prices… just send your sort code and credit card number…
36) Declare my undying love for someone I despise then have to marry them and put up with them.
37) Murder over one million people, with a shovel and a rusty spoon.
38) Tolerate mayonnaise
39) Run around an important building yelling I have a bomb.
40) Have to talk a different language for the rest of my life
41) Not be able to complain about pensioners
42) Saw my legs off
43) Give up my British citizenship(Crying Face) and become a citizen of one of many countries I am disparaging towards.
44) Never eat KFC again.
45) Shoot myself in the buttocks
46) Go on national television and swear I have been probed by Aliens anally.
47) Ask the Queen to make me a sandwich.
48) Live with a woman, but I’d be in the kitchen (serious heartbreak)
49) live with the people I hate but not be allowed to kill them, even though I’m given the opportunity ever ten minutes.
50) Ride into town on a horse like a cowboy of old… with the hundreds of pissed off motorists behind me.
51) Drive at 60mph into a wall yelling “BANZI”
This list is in no way complete and I’ve written it simply because it was the first thing to pop into my mind, I hope you’ve enjoyed it. I hope you’ve enjoyed your evenings and I’ll blog as soon as I can.
Aufwiedersehen folks.
If you have a problem with the above blog please contact me on
www.givemeyouradresssoicanhuntyoudown/anddrainyouofyourblood@nomail.co.uk
Hello readers, today’s blog will be rather different than my previous blogs as I will be giving you actual information about me. If interested please continue to read, if not, I don’t care what you do, I’m not your parent.
My name, my full name, embarrassingly is Alexander Ryan Donald, which I am personally not a fan of but I’m not stupid enough to go rename myself something like “Alex, King of the urban centers, defeater of evil, patriarch of northern monkeys” for one, it is utterly retarded and two imagine having to fill in forms, oh the agony.
I’m 18 though this has no real significance for me since I do not drink, not that I believe there is anything wrong with drink, I just don’t do it, If anyone else wants to get rats-arsed be my guest. I can vote and I have voted and I guess you could consider my politics to be quite strong, I despise communism and left wing ideologies with my only hatred that exceeds it being my unbridled desire to see the Pepsi Cola company be liquidated until every last trace has been expunged from the face of the Earth. Coca-Cola is the one true soft drink and I will not accept such cheap, tacky, less flavoursome pisswasser to defile the name of Cola. As you may have guessed I like Coca-Cola…
You are wrong. I love it.
On the subject of love, I have had two official ex’s and many other people I have liked or cared for, this is in fact amazing as due to my utter preparedness for the Zombie Apocalypse I am the most selfish bastard on Earth. I rationalised my relationships by still confirming to myself that when the dead rise, my loved one’s would indeed be zombie bait as I escape to my “sup3r awes0me” hiding place in accordance with my “zombie plan” I find it hard to be kind and caring, as such I only bother with those I deem deserving. Who are not many, not everyone can be invited to be my grade A zombie bait.
I am quite Victorian, I dress well covered up, I don’t like physical contact unless warranted and my romanticisation of the Empire is part of my identity. I am not too smart but I am above the knuckle dragging neanderthals that pick their own arses (filthy savages) I do not regard myself as anything special or funny but I am happy with who I am, because lets face it, the 67 (my local warrior bus who bravely breaks down whatever the weather) may run me over tomorrow so there is no time to be mopping about. I hate traitors and liars and I believe there is a special pantheon in hell reserved for them where they will be forced to endure Justin Bieber and Rebbecca Black twenty-three hours a day and in the remaining hour still forced to endure it but with rape as an extra. (If you are reading my blog and like either of the aforementioned “artists” please stop reading, I don’t want you, no-one does, go shoot yourself in a corner)
I am not interested in a relationship currently (this does not mean all I want is sex, All I want my dear reader is Cola) as it is too much hassle. It would take someone more epic than epicmcepicton to make me bothered again. I know many lovely women but undoubtedly it would not work so I have decided to stay away as I do regard myself as a cruel bastard when it comes to feelings, can’t help it, it’s just me, and since I’m full of Cola and I love Cola, technically I love me.
I hate people who blame everything on fate, God, divine forces etc. Take responsibility for your actions, stop crying and grow up, the world is not fair, deal with it and prosper in it. Enjoy what time you have here.
I’m aware this is hardly anything about me so if you want anything in particular revealing or talked about, leave me a message, there is an option somewhere on my profile, anyway, this concludes today’s blog, so I hope you’ve enjoyed your evening and hopefully this blog.
Aufweidersehen.
P.S if you have any problems with the above blog please contact me on
www.ifyouhaveaproblemwiththeblogyouhaveaproblemwithme/areyoufeelingluckypunk@nomail.co.uk
Hello readers, I just thought I’d say night, I have a lot of things to talk about but I don’t quite have the time or the willpower to write about them, so enjoy your night and sleepwelland I’ll blog tomorrow I hope. G’night people.
Hello readers, Firstly I’d like to give you a reason why I haven’t blogged in a few days, the reason is this: I’ve been busy though I haven’t the foggiest clue of what I’ve been doing. This isn’t because I was drunk or anything (On the contrary my dear reader, I’m teetotal) I just honestly can’t remember what I’ve been doing, maybe I have alzheimer’s? Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, I can’t remember anything I’ve been doing, maybe I have alzheimer’s?
(Well done to those who got the joke)
Anyway today I have been pretty much lazing my way around the house, like a locust I have consumed every scrap of food floating around due to eating because of boredom, even hunting to the back of the cupboards like a crazed starved hobo whom has rabies and froths at the mouth (I was only frothing at the mouth due to the lack of Cola, but I have redeemed myself by acquiring more) I’ve also watched a host of bad movies and read two books, such was my need to do something, Awh look at me here telling you of my social life, or lack of it, maybe we should have tea and biscuits, reminisce of our childhood and discuss the news. Or maybe not, I don’t need you, I am supreme.
Anyway, I’d thought I’d let you know as you may find it funny (Or maybe not, I don’t care, I’m not trying to please you, ask my ex’s I don’t try to please anyone) That my mother whence she arrived home in a inebriated state asked me If I would like Cheryl Cole or Kylie Minogue on top of me, aside from being deeply disturbing to be asked this by your mother, When I replied “no”(Cheryl Cole’s voice drives me insane and never been bothered about Kylie, not that she’s ugly or anything) my mother asked if I was gay. So then, my mothers final judgement is that if I don’t like these two women, I must, in fact be gay. While I have no problems with gay people, I personally do not like pork sword. Though it’s obvious to myself that I’m hetrosexual I would like to wonder where the assumption that if I don’t like two women it makes me a gay man. It probably doesnt help the fact that I’m incredibly picky with women even though I have no just reason to be, ‘m just very picky, being a cold cruel heartless bastard can do that to you. Another explanation is that my mother is a lesbian and loves these two women. Ah well, swings and roundabouts I guess.
Anyway, so the moral of the story is that if you don’t like two famous women you are obviously gay in your mothers eyes. So make sure you like two women, either that or sow your oats (wear a condom, you don’t want to end up being a lucky dip for STI’s)
I will do a better blog next time I write. Aufweidersehen.
If you have any complaints over my blog, please contact me on
Herrow people. The glorious peoples republic of china would like to thank you for reading the peoples blog. I hope you are all conforming to our communist bereefs.
Imagine how awful that would be, I mean communism, Anyway, welcome back to my blog readers. Today has been an alright day indeed. I watched with a group of friends the new “The Dictator” movie this evening and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it and we had, I’d like to think a good natter about random shit after, although it was probably just me chatting shit. Ah well, whatcha gunna do about it? Exactly, nothing, back off fuckface before i break out my pimping hand.
Also on another note, I saw my ex today, the lesser spotted ex of Alex Donald was abound in my vicinity, In a most typical English gentleman manner, I just smiled and passed by. Although being trapped on a bus would seem to procure having to speak, it’s amazing to see my manly ability to ignore anything was in full swing and thus I was instead able to daydream of many amazing things, up to and including being a cowboy so I could lasso bitches.
Anyway, now on to the real part of my blog, It has come to your supreme leaders attention that many off you cannot make decisions easily and indeed being Englishmen, or a woman, does not lend itself to making decisions as you’re too polite or are used to letting someone else make decisions for you, for example…
Like a sir 1: would you like the lobster sir?
Like a sir 2: would you recommend it sir?
Like a sir 1: Only if sir would like it
Like a sir 2: Sir is not sure
And on and on and on… What a kerfuffle. Indeed you may not rate needing to be able to make decisions a number one priority on your list, but using a worst case scenario I will show that decisions making skills need to be developed incase the worse comes to past… Indeed, the Zombie apocalypse.
Think about it, the apocalypse is in full swing and a young child arrives at your door covered in blood. Is the blood there because he is a mini warrior and has killed so zombies, or has he been bitten? Should you let him him your safehouse or tell him to go away? Is cola better than pepsi? (yes)
While you were dithering the little scoundrel was invited in by your kindly old mum to make him a lovely brew, unfortunately the little lad was indeed bitten and infected and while your mother was making him a nice cup o’ tea the lad died, reanimated and has attacked your mother and ripped out her throat, more importantly he has ruined the art deco and fung sh-way vibe you had going on with the mess the devouring of your mother dearest has created.
So due to your inability to make up your mind quick, your mother has died and your carpet is ruined. This need not be your mother, it could be your lover, your brother, sister, family pet, beloved hobo slave you own or even you, yes, you. This could have all been prevented by quickly making the decision to crack open his skull with your cricket bat immediately, saving your mother. Even if the young lad wasn’t infected it would be a win still as it is less mouths to feed and lets face it, if he needs help he wouldn’t last long anyway so do your christian duty and do the lad in.
So even if you have to start small, improve your ability to make decisions, instead of when asked what you want for tea, replying “whatever you want” reply forcefully with “I want CHIPS NOW!” To improve your ability to respond quick. Cross the road on a whim and randomly to improve your ability to drive yourself without instructions, cross even if its busy, who cares if you get hit? Not you! You won’t have to deal with the repercussions. Of course these actions may cause a markable change in you, and people may not like it, but who cares about them? Your making decisions now, and they’ll need you when the zombies are chewing on their grannies, like some old tuna paste.
So there you go, the moral is, learn to make decisions and you will be a better person as you will be a legendary survival warrior (batteries not included) and everyone will love you. Except not in none dangerous environment. Then you’ll look like a cuntasaurus.
Anyway the night is falling, I have to go. I hope you enjoyed the blog and enjoy your evening, Aufweidersehen.
P.S if you have problem with my blog contact me on
www.canyouevenmakethedecisiontocomplain/yourtakingtoolongtodithertosspot@nomail.co.uk
Hello, If you have not been living in a cave, you will be aware that today in the north of England, in majestic Yorkshire, Gods own land of green rolling hills…
IT HAS BEEN TOO WARM.
Leave the warm weather to the camels and desert nomads. Do you not realise that English people become weird pink creatures in the warm weather who hide under whatever shade they can find? (Of course there is the loose people who take the chance to dress like sexual fiends, but then they do try to be orange all year round, like they have suffered radiation burns, but that is a whole different story) We should be subject to terrible rain and drizzle so we return to our natural habitat, the Englishman’s castle, his home, with a brew (not filthy coffee, savages) or in his shed, inventing things.
The only plus side of this heat I am being subjected to is that I discovered that if I undo my top button and blow down my shirt, it is akin to a lovely cool breeze (Indeed it does look strange, but the benefits are just more than worth it, try it) Also a plus is the fact Cold Coca-Cola is even more refreshing, but this isn’t a real plus, because its not specific to today’s warm weather, Cola is good all the time. This is not opinion. This is fact. Failure to comply will lead to “re-education”
Soon, after watching the Simpson’s I will be getting in my lovely bath, to become all nice and clean and not a filthy barbarian. On the note of baths, I will be using Gillette shower gel, you must all be informed that nothing can make you feel more manly, its like being a walking nuclear bomb while playing football, while boxing a bear, drinking enough alcohol to kill a elephant and ravaging fifty women, Also you smell nice, which I believe is the desired effect. Dunno. I’m not a scientist.
Anyway, I know this blog isn’t that funny but I’m so warm I couldn’t care less, All I want to do is bath in cold water until my heart returns to its normal slow pulse and coldness, emanating the cold hatred of all life it normally does. It’s not easy to be a megalomaniacal awesome sauce bad ass y’know? Requires a massive ego and a pathological hatred of everyone who doesn’t like cola.
Anyway now for something actually interesting, maybe, depends on your opinion, I have found through observation of social groups that most groups have a “leader” whether the leader knows it or not, who they either defer to/use as mediator in disputes/just acts as figurehead etc. Except one group in which no-one was the leader so I notice they spent most of their time arguing with one another cause “insertslagnamehere” and “insertpromiscuousnamehere” have fucked “inserttotallynotinnocentnamehere” boyfriend, The leader of the group manages to maintain some level of control, whether aware of it or not.
However I am not sure of how they do this, Is it because they are responsible caring people? Or is it because they are sexeh? (and they know it?) Maybe they are mini Hitlers or maybe its because no-one else can be bothered to take the role?
I’m not saying its a serious role, I just found it interesting, and thought I would let my readers in on my half arsed findings (Researched scientifically and objectively at crazy bastards.org) Also, what do you think? Does your group have a leader?
Indeed for once, I, the all powerfull fuhrer of my bedroom would like to know your opinion instead of dismissing it, With this shocking revelation I will end my blog. Hopefully the next one will be better.
Oh my God, someone just yelled on my street “I swear I won’t get it out again, don’t tell them” Oh the humanity.
Enjoy your warm night, I will be attempting to live in the fridge. Polarbear pro. Aufweidersehen.
P.S you can leave me questions or inform me if your group has a leader and why are they the leader? There is an ask me questions feature somewhere on my blog.
P.P.S if you have a problem with my blog please contact me on
www.goswivelonasharppointystick/whichissosharpitrupturesyouranus@nomail.co.uk
or
www.gocrytoyourleader/hecanthelpyounow@killedinhissleepmail.co.uk
Hey, I had made a somewhat entertaining blog but tumblr has kept deleting it. So I just thought I’d say, Tumblr, I’ma gunna come down your house and shit in your kettle, then Im’a gunna fuck your wife in her mouth and piss on your flowerbed.
Aside from that I hope you have a nice night and I will write you a better blog tomorrow, maybe, if tumblr works, if it doesn’t tough look because I will be busy throtling some poor whelp who gets in my way.
Anyway the dog is attempting to eat my foot, because he is in fact satans hound. So while I am now going to kick him into next year and headbutt him with my super strength I will have to say Aufweidersehen to you all. I apologise for the poor quality blog, Well I don’t really, I couldn’t care what you think, I don’t owe you anything. Bloody peasants.
I’m so tired I may be dead. If I’m dead please write on my gravestone “I don’t know why you your talking to me, I can’t hear you” Also inform one Miss Chambers she can’t have my xbox as everything is being buried with me. If dead also please make sure I have a Jedi burial in regard to the fact I am the chosen one.
Aufweidersehen.
P.S if offended by my blog please contact me on
www.getoffyourhighhorseyoutool/imsotiredidkillyouandnotnoticetillthemorning@nomail.co.uk
Or use the force to send me a message at
www.imamthechosenoneandwillbringbalencetotheforcesoshowmesomerespect/thedarksidedoesnothavecookies@jedimail.co.spaceuk
